The Desert: God Help Me
I've been given a warning, basically a prophesy of sorts, from God through Erik, (about a month ago), that I would be going through a desert experience where it would seem like God wasn't around as much and wouldn't be talking as much to me, if at all. Yes, God WILL BE and IS here for me! But the warning is that it would seem to me, in my perception, that He's not. Erik also told me that he felt that my time living with my parents was over, and that I would soon be leaving, but he didn't know when or where I would go. If it had not been for previous experiences with Erik's revelations coming to pass, I would have disregarded this as the ramblings of a beloved friend. But I know better than that now. Yes, apparently, God IS interested in the personal lives of His Beloved children as individuals. Not ALL prophesies are corporate and for the physical nation of Israel.
Then all the things I've blogged about recently came to pass. Whether or not mom and dad want me to live here isn't the point: God wants me to leave. But furthermore, I just realized (hence, I'm writing about this) that not only is this "desert" a place where I won't know for sure what's going on (I think I'm already there), but I also get the "joy" (I say this dryly) of not having tons of contact with all my friends throughout the summer. Many of you are WWC students and will be going home. Some will be on your IMers there, and so we can stay in touch! Some may not be able to do that. In fact, I'm suspecting that one of my closest friends will not be online at all this summer, and so if I want to be in touch with her, it will be by snail mail.
LOL - remember that? That weird thing called paper that you write or print on, fold up, stick in this other weirdly cut and folded piece of paper, then you lick it, close it, stick another tiny piece of paper on it with glue on one side and numbers on the other, and then write some more stuff on the outside, then you put it in this really strange looking metal or wood contraption, and put up this really really strange plastic doo-hickey and then sit and watch out your window as some complete stranger takes it away? Remember what it felt like as a kid to think that as soon as they took it away, they should put another one in it's place that was just for you? Remember those days? Heh - I almost forgot them myself ;)
In any case, the truth is, I don't know where most of you are going this summer. In fact, one of my other closest friends may, from what I've gathered, move back home perminently and I may not get to see him again for a very long time after spring quarter is over. And then there are those of you who THINK you are coming back next year and then, wonder of wonders, you'll change your minds and run off to Andrews, Southern, Loma Linda...! And then of course, those of you who are graduating or getting married - well, as far as I know, none of you plan to stay in the local area at all. And so it will be a long time before I ever get to see you in person again either.
I want to say here first of all that I AM GLAD to have met and gotten to know each one of you. No, I'm still avoiding the whole eulogy thing ;) I'd rather keep up my friendships with each of you than to use that as some way of saying goodbye. I don't say "goodbye." I always say "later" or "see ya" or "until next time." I never say "have a good life" unless it's to someone who knows they'll see me again and I'm just wishing them well, and not saying goodbye.
I'll be honest though. Knowing that some of you I may not physically see again for a long time - that's a part of this desert experience I had not at all contemplated prior to about 20 minutes ago. I knew that things were going to get hard, because trying to move out of my parents' home is very difficult indeed. But I will admit that not seeing you all as much is a pill I was not prepared to swallow. I will do that though, knowing that God will keep us all together in His Time and Way, and so there is nothing to fear. It's just a matter of missing some of my friends on the long term - it's something I have to learn to deal with.
So, the desert is hot, the pools of water are low and few, and my food is the Bible and whatever words God chooses to share with me. Yet I am not alone. For one, I know that even when I can't feel God with/in me, He IS there. This is a comfort. He Guides me, Teaches me, keeps me fed and sheltered, and He hugs me often, especially when my heart hurts. He takes good care of me. For another, Erik has promised that regardless of what happens, he will be there for me in ways that I won't know. Were he almost anyone else, I wouldn't believe this, but I know from personal experience that Erik really does mean that. He has proven over and over to be a true friend, someone who has me in the prayer-corner of his heart, along with all of his other friends and family. I've seen the way he prays over me - it's real, it's deep, it's loving, and it's complete because it is driven solely by God's Spirit and God's Love for me.
God has been good enough to me to put a few things in my nap-sack. The Betrothal Party and my Mariage-style-baptism, and everything included in them are with me always. The knowledge of God and the trust in Him that I've learned over and over to have, are also with me forever. God gave me the prayers that April and Erik prayed over my little jar of olive oil, that I can now take whereever I go. What a blessing! And I can tell now that I am truly leaving behind the comforts of the wood I had once enjoyed while I "grew up" in God, and can now only look back at it with fondness and remember that I do have an even better Home awaiting me on the other side of this desert. And I know that all of you will be there too :D I can't wait to get through this and come out on the other side a much "stronger woman" than when I entered this desert.
Yes, Erik, I do look forward to the rest of this journey. There are mountains on the other side, the Lion walks with us, and so all is good in the end. Yes, I'm Insane. You've said it yourself, twice now. It's in that Insanity that I've found Reality, and so I can walk on air above the water hand in Hand with our Yeshua HaMashiach, our Savior, the Messiah. He won't let me go, and He'll never say goodbye. There's a Caroline-shaped place in His Heart, and I fit into it Perfectly.
He has a place for each one of you too, so never fear that He's somehow not around or something. Anyone who tells you that He's not there for you UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is NOT from Him! He LOVES you way too much to let go of you. Please always remember that.
I LOVE each of you dearly.
Then all the things I've blogged about recently came to pass. Whether or not mom and dad want me to live here isn't the point: God wants me to leave. But furthermore, I just realized (hence, I'm writing about this) that not only is this "desert" a place where I won't know for sure what's going on (I think I'm already there), but I also get the "joy" (I say this dryly) of not having tons of contact with all my friends throughout the summer. Many of you are WWC students and will be going home. Some will be on your IMers there, and so we can stay in touch! Some may not be able to do that. In fact, I'm suspecting that one of my closest friends will not be online at all this summer, and so if I want to be in touch with her, it will be by snail mail.
LOL - remember that? That weird thing called paper that you write or print on, fold up, stick in this other weirdly cut and folded piece of paper, then you lick it, close it, stick another tiny piece of paper on it with glue on one side and numbers on the other, and then write some more stuff on the outside, then you put it in this really strange looking metal or wood contraption, and put up this really really strange plastic doo-hickey and then sit and watch out your window as some complete stranger takes it away? Remember what it felt like as a kid to think that as soon as they took it away, they should put another one in it's place that was just for you? Remember those days? Heh - I almost forgot them myself ;)
In any case, the truth is, I don't know where most of you are going this summer. In fact, one of my other closest friends may, from what I've gathered, move back home perminently and I may not get to see him again for a very long time after spring quarter is over. And then there are those of you who THINK you are coming back next year and then, wonder of wonders, you'll change your minds and run off to Andrews, Southern, Loma Linda...! And then of course, those of you who are graduating or getting married - well, as far as I know, none of you plan to stay in the local area at all. And so it will be a long time before I ever get to see you in person again either.
I want to say here first of all that I AM GLAD to have met and gotten to know each one of you. No, I'm still avoiding the whole eulogy thing ;) I'd rather keep up my friendships with each of you than to use that as some way of saying goodbye. I don't say "goodbye." I always say "later" or "see ya" or "until next time." I never say "have a good life" unless it's to someone who knows they'll see me again and I'm just wishing them well, and not saying goodbye.
I'll be honest though. Knowing that some of you I may not physically see again for a long time - that's a part of this desert experience I had not at all contemplated prior to about 20 minutes ago. I knew that things were going to get hard, because trying to move out of my parents' home is very difficult indeed. But I will admit that not seeing you all as much is a pill I was not prepared to swallow. I will do that though, knowing that God will keep us all together in His Time and Way, and so there is nothing to fear. It's just a matter of missing some of my friends on the long term - it's something I have to learn to deal with.
So, the desert is hot, the pools of water are low and few, and my food is the Bible and whatever words God chooses to share with me. Yet I am not alone. For one, I know that even when I can't feel God with/in me, He IS there. This is a comfort. He Guides me, Teaches me, keeps me fed and sheltered, and He hugs me often, especially when my heart hurts. He takes good care of me. For another, Erik has promised that regardless of what happens, he will be there for me in ways that I won't know. Were he almost anyone else, I wouldn't believe this, but I know from personal experience that Erik really does mean that. He has proven over and over to be a true friend, someone who has me in the prayer-corner of his heart, along with all of his other friends and family. I've seen the way he prays over me - it's real, it's deep, it's loving, and it's complete because it is driven solely by God's Spirit and God's Love for me.
God has been good enough to me to put a few things in my nap-sack. The Betrothal Party and my Mariage-style-baptism, and everything included in them are with me always. The knowledge of God and the trust in Him that I've learned over and over to have, are also with me forever. God gave me the prayers that April and Erik prayed over my little jar of olive oil, that I can now take whereever I go. What a blessing! And I can tell now that I am truly leaving behind the comforts of the wood I had once enjoyed while I "grew up" in God, and can now only look back at it with fondness and remember that I do have an even better Home awaiting me on the other side of this desert. And I know that all of you will be there too :D I can't wait to get through this and come out on the other side a much "stronger woman" than when I entered this desert.
Yes, Erik, I do look forward to the rest of this journey. There are mountains on the other side, the Lion walks with us, and so all is good in the end. Yes, I'm Insane. You've said it yourself, twice now. It's in that Insanity that I've found Reality, and so I can walk on air above the water hand in Hand with our Yeshua HaMashiach, our Savior, the Messiah. He won't let me go, and He'll never say goodbye. There's a Caroline-shaped place in His Heart, and I fit into it Perfectly.
He has a place for each one of you too, so never fear that He's somehow not around or something. Anyone who tells you that He's not there for you UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is NOT from Him! He LOVES you way too much to let go of you. Please always remember that.
I LOVE each of you dearly.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 2:30 PM
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